i wish there was a button to push that would take away all of the confusion and anger frustration and everything else that comes with bipolar. /end bitch
Stephen Fry discussing bipolar. I really can never get enough of him discussing this. He has really helped me come to terms with my own diagnosis.
Can’t cope with my head.
I seriously don’t know what the fuck has gotten into me. I dot know if I’m just being some paranoid phsyco but I’m fucking terrified of losing you. Even though I know I’m just pushing you away.
Past few days have been hell. My head is elsewhere right now. Want to feel okay again.
But I need to write it down somewhere. If I put it on Facebook I’d be some attention seeking dick that everyone hates. Kinda am already. Wrong about the attention seeking part though. It kills me that people hate how I am and that it pisses them off. Cos I know myself how annoying I must seem to people now. I’ve developed this crazy bout of paranoia and it’s crippling me. Every sly comment on Facebook I’m convinced it’s me. Im convinced people are starting to hate me and that’s the gods honest truth.
I’m in a massive whirlwind of emotions right now. The constant mood swings are seriously taking its toll. Not just on me, on friends, family, and I’m pretty sure my boyfriend.
It’s so hard trying to hide panic attacks and pretend your okay in order to avoid an argument or to just not piss people off. The consequences of me being depressed then manic then depressed are that people are getting fed up. And I literally don’t blame them at all. But the anxiety is so tormenting I’m beginning to not be able to function. In a split second i can beging to shake/faint/cry for no reason. This feels like a massive hole I’m never getting out of.
I’m doing stupid fucking things constantly and I’m fairly certain people are seeing this as me just being a drama queen or a cry for help. Hate to admit it but the latter is kind of true.
I dont know who I’m going to be when I wake up each day. When I’m depressed I’m a zombie and when I’m manic I’m an arsehole. I cling on to being manic because it feels great but in reality I know it’s false happiness and that sooner or later I’m going to come back down with a bang.
The one thing about the whole situation is that I feel unable to sustain any relationship, be that boyfriend family or friends. There’s quite a few people now who have gotten fed up of all my shit and it scares me to be close to people cos I know if the same happens I’ll crumble. I feel like I’m just waiting for it to happen.
The consequences of me feeling this way cause me to do something that is both embarrassing and crippling. When I’m feeling so low it’s like I convince myself that this will make it better, I am to be punished and this is the one thing I have control of. It is seriously getting out of hand though, it’s escalated incredibly.
Not sure what I’m achieving by posting this on here but I’m just praying this gets better soon. I’m not kerrie anymore and I haven’t been for a long long time. Literally don’t know what it’s gonna take for me to find myself again. Or if I even will.